Today I found a notebook from a lifetime ago where I used to write "poetry". With cheesy lines like "Do not read this material unless authorised to do so" on the cover and various cheesy by lines that I did think up myself (and it shows) on the inside cover. In the naively written passages, I see a person struggling to express herself to herself and trying to understand things around. A lot of the things that are written were probably hardly ever discussed. The most amazing thing, however, is how little some of my thoughts have changed in the intervening years. I could have written it yesterday :)! Of course there are some that could have been written by another person altogether! It's like looking back at yourself through a temporal mirror and to that end let me quote from the little book from a LONG time ago:
"Who is that stranger? She glares at me so ...
What is it about her that makes me cringe; run away
Vaguely she resembles someone I knew a long time ago ..
Someone I identified with
Someone I left behind in this struggle of life. Childlike. Innocent. Brave.
Qualities I knew she had but did not appreciate
I wanted her to understand. Be wise and worldly.
I taught her things she would have been better off not knowing.
I showed her things she would have been better off not seeing.
I scorned her for she was not like all the others around her.
I wanted to mould her into something she was not.
I made her canny and aware.
Pity was: I succeeded ..
For would it not have been better, had she retained the very qualities I weaned her from.
I took away a vision and replaced it with reality.
I can't look her in the eye any more,
the person I was a long time ago ...
** The poem is about replacing a childhood with the vision of adulthood, the loss of idealism and the setting in of cynicism.
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:) It's funny to read your own stuff from long back and in some places it feels weird, but it's such a joy!! :-D I'm loving reading my little book from a long time ago!
Thursday, 19 February 2009
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Reflections of a Meandering Maniacal Thought Ipod Playlist
So .. am in bed, with Creep from Radiohead (the Acoustic version) playing in the background, a day just gone and so much to do. Yet the inertia. I like to think I am doing some sort of arm chair thought experiment - but all i seem to be doing after 20 minutes of sitting here is drifting in and out of thought. One thought comes and almost before it arrives, it seems like it's about to be taken hostage by another entirely unrelated thread of random bearing on the contents of life.
I reflect - reflect on my identity, personality, aspiration and more ... today i wonder about what i can draw from each of these to achieve that unique idea that i want to explore further. What is the bearing of what i do today to what i will end up doing tomorrow. It's like a twinkle on a water surface - a second so beautiful, gone in a second yet infinitum en memory.
And there's Knack with Myyyy Sharona! Secretly the one i love is Killing me Softly ... hehe - miss the quotes and what can be - oh the possibilities. Meander ... meander ... forests of lushness, green and beckoning - full of promise and yet - what's the point of sitting at the sides and dipping your toes in sweet streams of enticement if you're not going to commit, eh! That's the feeling I get when I look at what I do - why can't that commitment be absolute. Now I wonder now I don't and there's the thought for the sake of having one - what the heck is wrong with that I wonder .. and yet I dont really.
As observed, I AM slow today - was it yesterday? Maybe. Age? Maybe - hehe - i have old thoughts now ;). I realised i miss dancing and just the general mucking about in fun and frolic. It feels so free. So thought free yet provoking. Remember the times when i could have a dance about without any music. For that matter a sing about without music - without even sound sometimes.
Maybe music is the answer. Not 42. The world, the universe, everything - including Optimus Prime ;)!
There's a world where i can go and tell my secrets to - in my room ;)! True - reflective - cheesy and soo right! I wonder if illusion will ever change into something real. Don't get me wrong - i am not beaten - far from it. I wonder where that elusive idea is though - tantalising and far from grasp!
Now this post is ever more random - and I cant stop - i should - i cant - should cant s c s c !! Bills Bills Bills - ipod song change ;)! I AM Destiny's child :-D!
I reflect - reflect on my identity, personality, aspiration and more ... today i wonder about what i can draw from each of these to achieve that unique idea that i want to explore further. What is the bearing of what i do today to what i will end up doing tomorrow. It's like a twinkle on a water surface - a second so beautiful, gone in a second yet infinitum en memory.
And there's Knack with Myyyy Sharona! Secretly the one i love is Killing me Softly ... hehe - miss the quotes and what can be - oh the possibilities. Meander ... meander ... forests of lushness, green and beckoning - full of promise and yet - what's the point of sitting at the sides and dipping your toes in sweet streams of enticement if you're not going to commit, eh! That's the feeling I get when I look at what I do - why can't that commitment be absolute. Now I wonder now I don't and there's the thought for the sake of having one - what the heck is wrong with that I wonder .. and yet I dont really.
As observed, I AM slow today - was it yesterday? Maybe. Age? Maybe - hehe - i have old thoughts now ;). I realised i miss dancing and just the general mucking about in fun and frolic. It feels so free. So thought free yet provoking. Remember the times when i could have a dance about without any music. For that matter a sing about without music - without even sound sometimes.
Maybe music is the answer. Not 42. The world, the universe, everything - including Optimus Prime ;)!
There's a world where i can go and tell my secrets to - in my room ;)! True - reflective - cheesy and soo right! I wonder if illusion will ever change into something real. Don't get me wrong - i am not beaten - far from it. I wonder where that elusive idea is though - tantalising and far from grasp!
Now this post is ever more random - and I cant stop - i should - i cant - should cant s c s c !! Bills Bills Bills - ipod song change ;)! I AM Destiny's child :-D!
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Direction
Ok, so to hell with it. Have decided to change course and now this blog is whatever i want it to be - so there!
Confusion is not the word for what i feel - i mean there is SO much to explore, to think about that my brain sort of explodes with the possibilities within possibilities and yet I dont know where to go next. What is my dangerous idea going to be ...
The more I see of evolution, the more fascinated I get. Development, the brain, learning disorders - name it and I find it interesting - how do I narrow down scope and pin what it is that I really want to focus on. EUGH! I dont know ... I dont know!
Confusion is not the word for what i feel - i mean there is SO much to explore, to think about that my brain sort of explodes with the possibilities within possibilities and yet I dont know where to go next. What is my dangerous idea going to be ...
The more I see of evolution, the more fascinated I get. Development, the brain, learning disorders - name it and I find it interesting - how do I narrow down scope and pin what it is that I really want to focus on. EUGH! I dont know ... I dont know!
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